Interview with Carly Shelander, Placement Coordinator for Cradle of Life for 10 Year Anniversary
Our Placement Coordinator, Carly, is celebrating her 10 year anniversary with Cradle of Life and we wanted to interview her to get a look at how the adoption landscape has changed during her tenure. That interview is below.
Carly why did you want to work for Cradle of Life?
-I was actually adopted through this agency as an infant and have always felt a pull to work in this field due to my wonderful adoption story. After graduating from Texas A&M with a degree in Psychology there was an opening at the agency for a Placement Coordinator-In Training. It has been the hardest, but most rewarding career path I could have hoped for. I plan on working in this field for many years to come and plan to become a Licensed Child Placing Agency Administrator in the near future.
What is the biggest change you have seen in the adoption landscape over the last 10 years?
-The openness in adoption. When I first started at Cradle the majority of our placements were semi open or closed. Now the majority are fully open, with some semi and even fewer closed mixed in. Of course this is a change for the better according to all of the research. Not only is open adoption wanted and sometimes needed for the birth parents to ensure peace in their decision and a continued feeling of making the best possible choice for their child and themselves, but it has major positive benefits for the adoptees and adoptive families. These include knowing more about where the child comes from, more medical information and of course the more people that love a child the better.
What is a negative change you have seen in the adoption landscape over the last 10 years?
-The increase in scammers and bad actors (i.e. facilitators and un-ethical agencies). Due to the boom of social media adoption scammers have become the norm rather than a one off. So many adoptive families hope to go the private route as it is cheaper and with the ability to connect over social media this can happen easier than in the past where everything was by word of mouth. However, this increase in matches over social media has led to many more scams than ever before. These scams can be emotional and financial. In truth one is not easier than the other. I have had too many families not able to adopt because they lost too much of their savings on a scam, or sometimes even harder, the emotional toll of a scammer made them decide that adoption is not for them.
The other trend is facilitators and unethical agencies. Facilitators are making a bad name for the great adoption advisors we work with. As an agency our priority is always on the child and the Expectant or Birth Parent(s) first. What that means is that sometimes our amazing Adoptive Families might need some extra support or training that we are not always in a position to provide. This is where adoption advisors come in. Advisors do not take fees for matches or work with Expectant Parents. Instead they promote training and a sense of community in this vast adoption world. When a facilitator is involved in a placement all ethics and thoughts of doing what is best for the child and EP’s goes right out the window. With facilitators the bottom line is making as many matches as possible to make as much money as possible. It is why adoption has a bad name in this day and age. Agencies are the only licensed entities to make matches, everyone else should stick to advising Adoptive Families and ensuring they have the right tools to have a meaningful relationship with their child and their child’s first family.
The other issue in un-ethical agencies. As an agency we only work with Expectant Paretns in our area because we feel that is where we can make the most significant change. We feel that by working one on one with our Expectant Parents that are local we have the best access to provide services in our area and to refer to other needed services in our area. However, all agencies are not like this. There are agencies that while licensed, are not ethical. We have had past birthmothers be flown to different states or working with social workers that are not in the area and that is just not beneficial to the women and families in need of these services. If an agency is in a different state than the mother is residing in they should ALWAYS refer to an agency that is local to them. In fact, we have even referred mothers to other Texas agencies because we feel if they are too far away we will not be able to adequately support them. Other practices by unethical agencies include: taking on more families than they feel they can actually place, matching mothers well before they are ready ( we do not match until at least 30 weeks of pregnancy) and taking large fee’s upfront with no way to ensure a placement will occur.
What has been the hardest part of your job?
-There are many hard parts, but I would say the hardest is watching First Families say goodbye to the child they love so dearly. This has always been difficult for me, but I recently supported my own foster child in family reunification after having her for 8 months and it changed everything in how I experience this loss. Even though I know the beautiful life to come for that child, I know the grief that mother and/or father is about to experience and I hurt for them. No matter the circumstances placing a child for adoption is hard. No one grows up thinking this something they will have to do one day. I have had uniformed individuals say “well why should they get updates and pictures if they did not want their child in the first place”. That phrase is like a punch to the gut for an adoptee and adoption worker. They LOVED and WANTED their child, they just were not in a place to parent the child the way they felt the child deserved. There is no act more SELFLESS than that. They can be at peace with their decision, while also feeling great sorrow and loss, it is adoption. Intense joy and sorrow being experienced at the same time by two groups of people connected over the love of a child forever.
What has been the most rewarding part of your job?
-This is multi-faceted as I have one for all three parts of the adoption triad. The first one would be watching our birthparents thrive post placement. Watching them be at peace with their choice, and then choosing to change and/or improve their life as a result of it. The second would be watching individuals turn into mommy’s and daddy’s. Most of these individuals never thought this day would come and after waiting and paperwork and so many other struggles, they are looking into the eyes that will change their lives forever. I have the most privileged spot on the planet to watch this happen time and time again. In my 10 years I have watched it happen over 100 times and every hard part of this job washes away in that moment. The third would be watching the relationship grow between the adoptee and their first family. When I receive pictures from a visit at the museum, zoo, or trampoline park with the adoptee, first family and forever family it reminds me why I wanted to do this job in the first place.
If you could change anything in the current adoption landscape what would it be?
-I wish we could remember the core reason for adoption agencies: the child. We need to be ensuring that every match is made with the child at the center. While all three parts of the adoption triad are important, adoption is for the love of a child. It is not for financial gain of any party, it is not for families to add a child and disregard where they came from. I think part of that should be ensuring Expectant and Birth Parents are working with the most ethical actors possible. Of course in our opinion that is licensed agencies that have the training and ability to provide the services and support needed.
What do you hope for the next 10 years at Cradle of Life?
-I hope that we are able to share all options with as many expectant parents as possible. I hope that I never hear from another mother “I wish I had known about this option years ago before my children were taken from me”. I hope many amazing open adoptions are formed and that many more are continued through childhood and into adulthood. I hope that anytime a parent can parent they are able to. I hope that many people that thought they would never be parents meet their child. I hope that many adoptee’s come to me in 10 more years and say “I am so grateful my first family made this decision and I am so grateful I was able to grow up knowing them.”