One of the services voluntary adoption agencies provide is reunification for Adult Adoptees with their Birth Families. Reunification is more complicated that it sounds and a lot of steps should be taken for a successful reunification to occur. However, due to the new age of technology and ancestry services reunification has never been easier, or more unpredictable. Below we will explain each triad members role in adoption reunification, as well as resources available for reunification.
Adoptees
The child is the center of the adoption journey. It can sometime feel like this is the Birth Families story, or the Adoptive Families. They were the ones that made the decision to place or to adopt, they were the ones that did all of the paperwork and made the hard choices. The truth is adoption is about the child first and foremost. This is YOUR story and you have the right for it to play out however you feel most comfortable. There is no right or wrong way to feel about your adoption or your adoptive and birth families. Your feelings are your own and cannot and should not be influenced by others. If you are not ready at 18 (or ever) to have a relationship with your birth family that is ok! If at 18 you are very ready for that and want to take the steps to make it happen that is ok too! You will know when you are ready and when you are talk to your adoptive family and let them know your wishes. They should support you and give you the information needed for the next step. Then call the agency you were adopted trough. Even if you are not fully ready for the reunion yet, the agency can send you de-identified information and possibly a pictures of your Birth Parents so that you can start to get your feet wet with learning more. It is completely normal to want to know where you come from. All adoptees have unanswered questions and most agencies will have some of those answers for you.
Birth Families
Considering a reunification for the child you placed for adoption can be one of the hardest choices in your lifetime. Probably only second to deciding to place them in the first place. Questions like: “do they hate me, did they have a good life, what did their adoptive family tell them about me, do they even want to meet me, what will my family think when they find out, how do I explain this to my kids” will plague you. Please be kind to yourself. You made the most selfless decision anyone can make. For the last 20 or so years your child’s adoptive family has been telling them about the amazing people who loved them so much they gave them a life they were not able to provide even though it hurt them to do so. If you know you will be ready to meet them when they are ready contact the agency on their 18th birthday and/or register yourself on the Central Adoption Registry in the state you placed the child. If you are not ready to reunify and feel you may never be, that is okay. Give yourself grace and time to consider what a reunification would look like in your life. Also remember that just because a child turns 18 does not make them a mature adult. At 18 they are discovering a whole new world. Maybe they are traveling, working, or starting college. Just because they are not ready for a reunification at 18 does not mean it will not happen. Your role is to register and wait and hope that one day they will be ready.
Adoptive Parents
Your role in reunification could not be more simple: SUPPORT. Support your child in their hopes for learning more about their Birth Family. Understand that just because they want to know more about where they come from, does not mean they want to know you less. If you have the option of having an open relationship with your child’s Birth Family grow and maintain that to the best of your ability. Tell them their adoption story from birth, speak of their Birth Family in the most glowing terms possible, and when they come to you with questions about their adoption be present and truthful. Never brush off their desire to know more and NEVER keep anything from them. This is not your story to control, this is their story. In that same vein do not try to rush the process or make them talk about their adoption if they are not ready. If you are open with them throughout their childhood, they will come to you when they are ready. They may never be ready and that is okay. You are welcome to call your agency and ask about the process and what will be needed to start reunification, however reunification will not occur without the direct participation of the Adoptee. Part of the services an agency provides should be support along the lifespan of the child for you. If you do not know how to answer a question or if your child is requesting information you do not have, call your agency. No matter how many children you adopt, it will never be as many as your agency works with on a daily basis. You are their parent, but agencies are the experts.
Resources for Reunification
Agency Reunification: Please go through your agency first if possible. This is a complementary service all agencies should provide and is the safest and most well rounded way to complete this process. The process is as follows: both sides complete the registry form, both sides attain approval from a counselor or therapist that they are emotionally prepared for reunification, both sides are expecting the same thing out of reunification (IE: if one side is just wanting information, while the other side is wanting a full relationship we would not recommend the reunification occur), a visit is scheduled an/or contact information is shared.
- Pro’s: Complimentary service, more support, more information available, require a counselor or therapists recommendation to move forward with the reunion
- Con’s: Can take much longer as agencies have a duty of confidentiality and cannot reach out to the other side unless they have already completed a registry, a pro and con due to the time it takes: agencies require a counselor or therapists recommendation to move forward with the reunion, agencies are also full service and usually have more immediate emergency matters to attend to.
Central Adoption Registry: We do recommend that even if you complete the adoption registry form with your agency to also register yourself in the State’s database. This is a backup incase the agency you worked with or were adopted through shuts down, or perhaps the child or birthparent decides not to go through the agency and instead registers themselves. We recommend anyone that is wanting a reunion to register themselves on the child’s 18 birthday.
Link:https://www.dshs.texas.gov/vital-statistics/adoption-information/central-adoption-registry
- Pro’s: Good backup in case the agency shuts down, can lead to faster reunification if both side register themselves in a timely manner.
- Con’s: No agency support, costs $30, no additional information about the adoption for the Adoptee
Ancestry and 23&Me: These DNA testing services are a good option as they not only tell you more about your DNA but also can connect you to relatives. This option is usually used when an Adoptee or Birthparent is very interested in a reunion and the other side has not registered themselves.
- Pro’s: The quickest route to ancestry information and direct contact with family members
- Con’s: No agency support, chance that the other side is not ready for a reunion, breach of confidentiality as there is a chance that the Birth Parents immediate and extended family did not know about the adoption and by connecting with those family members explanations will be required.
Private Investigator: This is usually the last option utilized due to the cost and no guarantee family members will be found. Usually utilized in adoptions that are 50+ years ago when adoption was much more secret and appropriate records were not kept.
- Pro’s: Sometimes this is the only way to find information in adoptions prior to 1980
- Con’s: No agency support, no guarantee of finding Birth Family or Adoptee, or finding them and them not wanting a relationship, even after a large fee has been paid to the PI
An important factor to consider is that over the last decade more and more adoptions are fully open with direct contact between birth and adoptive family. So the hope is that a reunification will not be necessary as the relationship will already be established. However, adoption has been around for a century and therefore we want to make sure adoptees and birth families that do not have an open adoption have the resources available to them. In addition, even open adoptions can have their bumps in the road. Reunification is always an option as long as the Birth Family and Adoptee are on the same page. In conclusion, please reach out to your agency if you are ready for a reunification. We are here to support and guide you and it is one of our favorite parts of working in the adoption field.
*The sentiments expressed in this blog represent Cradle of Life Staff and/or Clients and do not necessarily reflect the sentiments or policies of all adoption agencies.